When there's a tear in their relationship human beings create threads of 'what if's, why's, if I'd said, if they'd said, missunderstood words, lamenting, lacerating, if I would, if they would's' until they weave a fabric of confusion and heartbreak that many times becomes larger then our ability to repair. That is what happend to my marriage.
We didn't talk about 'why' there was no sexual expression in our relationship. From the outside it looked as if we had a perfect marriage. He was sweet, attentive, faithful, and a good provider. I had no doubt that he loved me. He was always eager to introduce me to his co-workers and friends. He adored his son. He just didn't like having sex with me. I created a dozen reasons why this was so; I was to eager, I was over-sexed, I wasn't a woman that excited a man's sexual senses, he didn't like my body! Openess between us would have circumvented so many mis-understandings. We talked about everything else, but we never talked about THAT.
I became convinced that the over weight from the birth of the baby had made it difficult for him to see me with sexual desire. Convoluted thinking.......... he hadn't wanted sex before the baby! But I was grabbing for something that I could 'blame and fix'. I decided to fix myself.
I joined a national weight loss program. I was shy and quiet when I first joined, but as I saw the scale go lower and lower every month my enthusiam become almost a mantra. I will lose weight; thereby justiying joining the program; thereby expanding the marriage that was going to become sexual when I lose the weight.
I became the epitome of success. I became the ultimate success story. I not only lost the baby weight, I took it a step further and became thinner than I had been when my husband and I met. I became a minor celebrity in the world of our program. I was asked to speak at various groups. I won awards. I won a beauty contest. My husband was proud ofme. Every time that I gave a speech my husband would have flowers delivered to me. He became the ultimate dieters husband. We were the perfect couple. But still there was no sex in the marriage.
Then I was sent to a convention. I was going to represent our group. I had been scheduled to speak to the assemblage. My speech was going to be televised. I was going to be personally introduced to the founder of our program. I asked my husband to go with me; wasn't he the reason for my success? But he thought it would be better if he stayed home with our son. Our son was four years old. For four years there had been absolutely no sex in our marriage.
The convention was held on the other side of the continent. I was in a foreign atmosphere, and for the most part surrounded by people that I didn't know and that didn't know me. I would walk through the hotel lobby and there would be men that would slip me their room number. I would go to the local restaurants and there would be men sending drinks to my table. I gave my speech and men came up and asked if they could entertain me for the evening. I would walk down the street and men would find reasons to start a conversation. These were men that knew nothing about me. They knew nothing about my personality, what I liked or dis-liked, what my moral standards were, what my life desires were, or whether I was a nice person. Men that knew nothing about me, except what they saw, wanted to have sex with me.
It put me into a spin so spiraling that I couldn't think straight. I knew I was in a world totally different than the world that my husband had created. I didn't understand it, but I knew that I had to do something about it. I spent hours in my hotel room alone trying to come to grips with this reality and the reality in my marriage. I called my husband and begged him to ask me to come home. "Please ask me to come home. Ask me to come home and make love." I will always remember those words. His answer changed the whole course of my life. His words were, "I wouldn't think of it. Stay there and enjoy yourself. You deserve it."
I stayed! I stayed, but I knew when I got home I was going to ask for a divorce. The girl that devoutly believed that marrage was a lifetime commitment was going to have to explain to her family and friends why she was abondoning the husband that was perfect!
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