Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Two Drinks and I'll Follow You Anywhere (Almost)

I was raised by a man that thought that all of the people that he loved should be safe and sound at home when the clock chimed midnight on New Years Eve. He would provide noise makers, food, and drink, but his peace of mind was only complete if he knew that his loved ones were not out in the ’madness’. So, for most of my life I have watched the old year leave and the new year arrive surrounded by my family.

That’s not to say that I haven’t ventured out once or twice. But quite frankly, it’s best to leave some ventures unspoken of and barely remembered.

The implication here is that I have totally forgotten my New Year’s Eve ventures ...... not! The truth is more like I wished I could forget them when I woke up the next morning.

I once agreed to attend a party given by an engineer that worked in my department. He hosted the party at a posh restaurant. It was very upper crusty and dressy. No harm there, except when I walked into the place I had 12 men buy me a drink at the same time. I have to digress here a bit and tell you about alcohol and me. I become a wanton woman when I have too much alcohol. Does that mean that I secretly want to be a wanton woman? Probably! But one must control one’s wanton instincts when one is in public and with the people with which one works. So I had learned to order a Scotch and water tall with a water backup and secretly sip vastly watered down Scotch. When someone would ask me if I wanted another drink I would point to my full glass and say that I didn‘t need a new drink, but I really would appreciate a glass of water. If I did it right I could spend the evening nursing one drink all night. Hence, the wanton woman would drown herself in water. All I really had to do was make certain that I knew where the closest ladies room was located.

At this particular party I had been blindsided. The drinks were short, full of Scotch and there were 12 of them. I knew I was in trouble. I was the only female in a work group of 13. We were a specialized group and I loved the job, but who knows what evil lurks in the minds of 12 men at a New Years Eve party. I tried to make light of the drinks by taking a sip of each one. The other ladies in the room were a bit jealous because I had so many men offering me free alcohol.They had no idea!

I sat there and tried to get some water. I really did. But the Scotch was slowly taking over when one of the men asked me to dance. It was a slow dance and he nestled me in his arms and then slowly kissed my neck. My legs became melted butter and I started to purr. Now, I am here to tell you that purring as a man, that has had too much alcohol, kisses your neck is not a very good idea.

He all of a sudden scooped me up and started carrying me across the dance floor. When I asked him what he was doing he answered that he was going to go get us a room. I said “NO”, he said “YES”. I grabbed for help any way that I could find it. The help happened to be the shoulder of another of the 12 men I worked with. The shoulder was relaxed so my grabbing it threw the man off balance. He fell onto a table, which then toppled and fell into another table of another man that I worked with. Are you getting the picture here?

By the time that the men that I worked with, and a few men that I didn’t work with, got the man that was carrying me to stop carrying me he and I both were splattered all over the floor. I sat there with my beautiful dress hiked up almost to my waist. The man that had been carrying me got back up and grabbed my arm and tried to pull me along behind him. The only way he was stopped was for the men that hadn’t been toppled to tackle him like it was a football play.

I was helped up from the floor by a group of women that had watched the whole thing from safety. One of them whispered in my ear, “What the hell did you do to him to turn him into a sex maniac?”

“I drank the Scotch!” was all I could respond with.

Once everyone knew that everyone was unhurt it became the subject of much banter and laughter. The wanton woman, her Scotch, and her 12 men were the hit of the party!

The man called me the next day and apologized for his behavior and I apologized for my reaction. We talked it out and our working relationship wasn’t damaged, but is it any wonder that I didn’t wander out of the house on New Year’s Eve for years after that?

And I’m not about to admit to anything that happened when I finally did!

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